Satire

Why We Left Dispytown

Personal accounts from ADN News staff about the long, occasionally embarrassing road out of dispensationalism.

We didn't come to postmillennialism because it was trendy. Most of us came to it reluctantly, after years of waiting for a Rapture that never came, reading Left Behind novels that aged poorly, and gradually noticing that "this generation" seemed to be doing a lot of generational heavy lifting in Matthew 24. Here are our stories.

Chester T. Rapture — Senior Eschatology Correspondent

"I spent thirty years with a prophecy chart on my wall. Not a small chart. A large chart. It had color coding. It had a legend. It had a separate insert for the Tribulation period because the main chart simply couldn't accommodate seven years of seal judgments at the level of detail they deserved. I was, by any measure, committed. Then someone handed me R.C. Sproul's The Last Days According to Jesus and my entire wall had to be repainted. The chart is still in my garage. I tell myself I'm keeping it for historical purposes."

Donna Prebulation — Tribulation Desk Reporter

"I grew up in a church that had a Rapture Sunday every September. Actual sermons about what would happen to your pets. I asked at age nine whether my hamster would be raptured and was told, with great solemnity, that we didn't know. That uncertainty haunted me for years. It was Gary DeMar's Last Days Madness that finally convinced me that the hamster was safe — because the Rapture, as popularly understood, is not actually in the text. My hamster has since passed of natural causes. I have made my peace."

Norman Dispensation — Prophetic Timeline Specialist

"I want to be transparent: I still make the charts. I cannot stop making the charts. But the charts now have a different conclusion. Instead of ending with a helicopter extraction, they end with the nations streaming to Zion and the earth full of the knowledge of God. The charts are, if anything, more optimistic. They are also, I have been told, still too long. I reject this criticism."

Priscilla Millstone — Kingdom Advancement Reporter

"For me it was simple. I kept reading the Great Commission and noticing that Jesus said 'make disciples of all nations' — not 'hold out until the helicopter arrives.' The mission assumes eventual success. A general who sends troops into battle with a plan that ends in defeat is a bad general. Jesus is not a bad general. Once I understood that, everything changed."

Your Story

If you have made the journey out of dispensationalism and want to share your story, we'd love to hear it. Send us a note through our contact page. We may feature your account in a future edition — anonymized if you prefer, since we understand that "I no longer believe in the pre-trib Rapture" can be a complicated announcement at some family dinners.

"The one who calls you is faithful, and he will do it." — 1 Thessalonians 5:24. The "it" is the sanctification of the whole world. He is faithful. He will do it.